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New Relationship Advice

healthy relationships Oct 03, 2016

What qualifies me to hand out new relationship advice? Well, I tried it the “old way” twice and it ended in divorce both times. So I figured I better learn and do something differently then I did before if I was ever going to have a relationship that worked.

So the questions became for me:

  • “What wasn’t working?”
  • “What should I do differently then I was doing before?”
  • And “How do I do it differently?”

Of course, I didn’t know I was asking those questions consciously but I was asking and searching – as you are – to get some new relationship advice.

My previous teachers were my parents. Their relationship sucked. I married at a very unconscious 22. Basically I knew nothing about how to succeed in a relationship. I just knew I didn't want theirs.

I’ve been asked recently if one person can work on a relationship and expect improvement. It depends on many things.

  • How bad is it?
  • Did you get into this relationship because you desperately needed to be in a relationship?
  • Did he?
  • Is there basic love and respect between each other?

In my first marriage I did not understand that I needed to communicate how I felt or it would grow into bigger and bigger unmanageable resentment and lower self esteem then I already came to the relationship with.

New Relationship Advice:

Find out how to communicate effectively. Go to a marriage counselor or search online or let me teach you but find out how to do it without blame so you’ll be heard.

I knew nothing about a partnership where both parties honored what the other wanted and who they were. Now I know that in the 21st century in the Western world (and maybe everywhere), partnership is what it’s about. We each bring some special things to a relationship and we need help with other things. Who is better to be your partner then someone who loves you and wants the best for you?

New Relationship Advice:

Learn how valuable you are as a person and that your wants and needs matter. Do not think that some website that offers “7 Steps to Good Self-Esteem” is going to solve your self image and self esteem issues - the issues that keep you making poor choices for potential partners.

I have spent the last 35 years figuring out how to do that for myself and what I’ve learned works quite well. It does work and has taken work but I am worth it – and so are you. I came into my relationships with a past. It needed to be worked on and healed. So might yours.

I didn’t know that defending myself was not how to be understood by another. It just put up a wall – of fear, of feeling misunderstood, of disconnection and fueled by deep shame. Nothing good came out of that for me. With Bart I knew that I could trust the feedback from my partner of where I fell short somehow because I wanted to hear. I wanted to improve. And so did my partner.

New Relationship Advice:

If you don’t value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to do so? The core of a good relationship is the coming together of two people who value themselves and are open to growing along with each other.

I didn’t even know that any relationship advice existed. Now, in the age of the internet, advice abounds but you wisely chose to look for “new relationship advice” and you got it. Hope it leads you into a new relationship with yourself and with anyone you choose to partner with.

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