Thoughts on Relationships and Life

How many times have you tried to be perfect...and failed?

Perfectionism started for me as a child. My mother wanted me to be perfect and I bought into it totally. I don't feel like a victim here because the way I imagine it, that the choice was made during some period when I was out of a body and just an energy - a soul - and decided that a good part of my path in this life would be to always try to be perfect. I often fall very short. Many years ago I started working on my inner child healing and realized at age 66 that perfection is a mental box. It keeps creativity from entering.

Let's look at an example. Let's say I want perfect grooming. I try to figure out how to have my hair look perfect. I try to figure out how my nails should look to be considered perfect. I spend lots of effort figuring out how to dress, moisturize, deodorize and criticize myself into perfection. Does it work? Can I ever truly be perfect? Of course not! The more I try to be perfect the more I cut myself off from my inner child healing and know my true self. It is...

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What Everyone Should Know About Forgiveness

Here’s a statistic that will grab your attention: “1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1999)

That is a horrible thing to read and because sexual abuse is so prevalent, it is absolutely necessary to focus on it.

Here’s another one: “In a study of 1,000 women 15 years of age or older, 36% had experienced emotional abuse while growing up; 43% had experienced some form of abuse as children or adolescents; 39% reported experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship in the past five years (Women's College Hospital, 19958).”

Why start an article about forgiving with statistics on victims of sexual or emotional abuse? Forgive the perpetrator? How can one actually do that? And why bother? It doesn’t make practical sense. Or does it?

I’ll tell you why I think it makes sense and I speak from personal experience and have watched many people reach the same conclusions as I have. Nothing else...

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Journal Prompts - A Yes/No Exercise

I’ve always been big on giving my clients journal prompts because there is something inside themselves that wants to come out. As their guide on this part of their personal growth journey, sometimes I can see what the correct journal prompts would be for them to help them uncover what’s wanting to come to their awareness. Following is an example of one of those journal prompts I assigned to a client:

Thanks for the little journal prompts exercise on yes/no. I have done this one before, but your twist to fold the page in half, do the “no” side first, and then the “yes” side, without seeing the “no” side, was a little different. When I did it, I had the page open and allowed myself to “respond” to each negative or positive statement as I was writing. The value of the way you suggest is that you don’t make excuses, you write down the negatives as a total list, and then you go to the positives, which may or may not...

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What are the short-term and long-term effects of child abuse and what can the concerned do about it?


In answer to the question, “What are the short term and long term effects of child abuse and what can the concerned do about it?” I have very much to say.

Let me tell you a short story of a little girl growing up being emotionally abused by her mother and sexually abused by her father. When she was 4 lots of things changed. Her father returned from 3 years in the Army. He left when she was 9 months old and returned when she was turning 4. He returned with a big stuffed panda and stuffed French poodle for her. Then he began to be inappropriate with her little self. And finally, around the very same time, her mother started screaming at her and calling her names and scaring the wits out of her on a frequent unpredictable basis.

How do I know about this little girl? I know because she was me. The short-term effects included becoming very docile and losing touch with my creative side. I did pretty well in school because I didn’t have my mother there and she...

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Signs of a Bad Relationship

You’re searching all over the internet to find out signs of a bad relationship. So that means you have the question and somewhere inside you the knowledge that your relationship sucks. Otherwise, why would you be searching? I mean we all know what a bad relationship can look like:

  • You don’t agree on much.
  • You each blame each other for lots of things
  • You argue or you shut down. And he does the same.
  • Your eye is wandering to other relationships and you are seeing theirs as way better – or at least it looks better than yours.
  • You feel pretty bad about yourself.
  • You’ve started to believe that NO relationship works.
  • You feel abused.
  • You are abused.
  • You feel sad, angry - just plain unhappy.
  • You want to leave.
  • You’re afraid to leave.
  • You think maybe you haven’t tried hard enough.
  • You think maybe you’re totally codependent and can’t live on your own.
  • You don’t really trust your partner anymore.
  • You don’t really trust yourself...
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Santa Monica - The Land of the Prius and Running Red Lights

I just drove home 2.4 miles. I checked it on Google Maps and I counted 16 Priuses which would lead me to believe that all of these people have some sort of awareness that says, "I want to be part of the solution on the planet". A great thing we'd likely all agree with.

On the other hand in my great aware city of Santa Monica, voted 44th best city to live in, running red lights has become more the norm then just stopping. Oh and let's not forget the new passing on the right to get 1 car or 12 cars ahead.

For me, it has made driving and crossing the street a bit scary. A man actually yelled at me because he was expected to stop at a stop sign and I was crossing the street.

Is it EGO run rampant? In other words "I'm so important, don't you dare get in my way!" or is it anxiety? What is going on?

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Kids and Divorce - What happens to the kids?

People in their 30’s and 40’s whose parents didn’t divorce are probably amongst the minority in many places in the United States. It is a fact of our life – divorce and the kids who go through it along with their parents. And kids have no choice.

My kids went through divorce; my grandson has two homes and 3 parents; many, many people I know have children who have gone through their divorces with them.

OK parents, we all did the best we could. It’s such a hard thing for we parents who love our kids to know right up front that something we are doing is going to affect our kids for the rest of their lives – even if it is the exact right and necessary thing for us. So this paragraph is for parents. Somehow, someway you need to make a personal commitment to yourself and your children that you will work to work out what you need to work out so that you are a healthier and more aware person and learn whatever there is to learn about this experience so...

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Is the Relationship Giving You Energy - or Taking Your Energy

Sometimes we like to stay in denial about our relationships. We can't really tell if it's working or not. Sometimes it's as if we just don't want to know - or at least our ego doesn't want to know because then it will mean change and our egos HATE change.

So here's the simple test: Stop. Think of your relationship. Pay attention to your body. Does thinking of it make you happy to think about it or leave you feeling dull, hurting, confused, wishful, pained, __fill in the blank__________. If it leaves you feeling anything like that, you've got problems.

I've had three varieties. The first one was started when neither of us had a clue about how have a relationship. I felt hurt, fearful, unhappy and wanted to leave almost every day for 15 years. I'm pretty sure he did too. We were young and did not know how to treat each other well.

The second one would have been the kind to fool most anyone. He was a really nice person. He tried to be a partner but there were the sneaky ways he...

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Are You in a Love/Hate Relationship?

I’ve been thinking about what a love hate relationship is. The operative word to me is “love”. If one love. So where does that take you? Well, if this love hate relationship is someone with who you are having romantic relationship or marriage with, you’ll want to be investigating, understanding and dealing with where the hate is coming from because calling it “love hate” must mean there is first love.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1)      Am I carrying resentment because of behavior in the relationship that has gone unaddressed?

2)      Do I feel I hate the person I also love because we have issues and they aren’t being dealt with?

 3)      Is this relationship about failed expectations?

 4)      Am I always in a love hate relationship? (Is it because I like the drama?)


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Happy Marriages Have Issues, too

I really loved my husband. I respected him. I was proud of him. I was proud to be in a relationship with him. So where did the evil little bitch that I could be come from? Was it from my past? Was it hormones? Was it morning blues? YUK!!!!

Here's what happened one morning. I got up earlier than usual which for some reason brought me to my computer. That's always a mistake first thing in the morning. I get pulled into work so now on top of the usual duties I'd assigned myself in the morning - putting dishes away, making the Martian's lunch, making his breakfast.  By going to my computer, I now subconsciously had taken on my career duties as well.

So the Martian, who had gotten up before me and was relaxing with a cup of tea on the couch, started sharing stuff from work with me. He taught high school science and physics. He asked me a couple of times if I was listening and I said "yes" although truthfully his talking and relaxing...

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