Thoughts on Relationships and Life

Are You in a Love/Hate Relationship?

I’ve been thinking about what a love hate relationship is. The operative word to me is “love”. If one love. So where does that take you? Well, if this love hate relationship is someone with who you are having romantic relationship or marriage with, you’ll want to be investigating, understanding and dealing with where the hate is coming from because calling it “love hate” must mean there is first love.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1)      Am I carrying resentment because of behavior in the relationship that has gone unaddressed?

2)      Do I feel I hate the person I also love because we have issues and they aren’t being dealt with?

 3)      Is this relationship about failed expectations?

 4)      Am I always in a love hate relationship? (Is it because I like the drama?)

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New Relationship Advice

What qualifies me to hand out new relationship advice? Well, I tried it the “old way” twice and it ended in divorce both times. So I figured I better learn and do something differently then I did before if I was ever going to have a relationship that worked.

So the questions became for me:

  • “What wasn’t working?”
  • “What should I do differently then I was doing before?”
  • And “How do I do it differently?”

Of course, I didn’t know I was asking those questions consciously but I was asking and searching – as you are – to get some new relationship advice.

My previous teachers were my parents. Their relationship sucked. I married at a very unconscious 22. Basically I knew nothing about how to succeed in a relationship. I just knew I didn't want theirs.

I’ve been asked recently if one person can work on a relationship and expect improvement. It depends on many things.

  • How bad is it?
  • Did you get into this...
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If Your Partner Is Your Best Friend, Who Do You Turn to for Relationship Advice?

Relationships are hard work and come with a lot of questions and uncertainties. Some people warn women not to make their partner their best friend because then they have no one to talk to if they are having relationship trouble. Now what's wrong with that relationship advice? Seems to make sense on the surface but here are the fallacies:

If there is relationship trouble between the two of you and you can't sort it out with your partner or at least feel safe talking about what's going on with your partner, you have even deeper issues underlying that problem. You have a basic flaw in the communication and trust areas of your relationship.

One of our secrets was: Make Your Commitment to the Power of the Relationship. I suggest making that kind of commitment so that if there is a problem in the relationship, you will not feel like running out the door away from your partner to get away from the problem. Instead you will remember that the relationship is bigger than the both of...

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10 Romantic Tips to Make Any Woman Happy

 

Dictionary.com defines romantic as "displaying or expressing love or strong affection". The media pushes flowers, dinners, vacations  and expensive jewelry as ways to be romantic with a woman. I have a different view of what's romantic and I suspect any woman in a relationship for any length of time would agree. Of course, flowers, dinners, vacations and jewelry are lovely but they don't necessarily speak to women's three most primary needs in a relationship as described in John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Having worked with John for many years and having become intimately knowledgeable with the Mars Venus concepts by virtue of my job, I had several aha! moments when I learned what they the three primary love needs were for a woman. I am in total agreement with John Gray that women need most to be cared about, understood and respected. He suggests that "when a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes and needs,...

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Happy Marriages Have Issues, too


I really loved my husband. I respected him. I was proud of him. I was proud to be in a relationship with him. So where did the evil little bitch that I could be come from? Was it from my past? Was it hormones? Was it morning blues? YUK!!!!

Here's what happened one morning. I got up earlier than usual which for some reason brought me to my computer. That's always a mistake first thing in the morning. I get pulled into work so now on top of the usual duties I'd assigned myself in the morning - putting dishes away, making the Martian's lunch, making his breakfast.  By going to my computer, I now subconsciously had taken on my career duties as well.

So the Martian, who had gotten up before me and was relaxing with a cup of tea on the couch, started sharing stuff from work with me. He taught high school science and physics. He asked me a couple of times if I was listening and I said "yes" although truthfully his talking and relaxing...

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The Seasons of Relationships

“Face"

It is a scientific fact that healthy relationships make us healthier and happier. And this includes all different types of healthy relationships - friends, family, partners and colleagues - all different types of relationships but bottom line - no matter what type of relationships you have, when it's healthy, so are you. The healthier they are, the happier you will be and the less stress you will have in your life.

Anyone who's ever been in any kind of relationship knows there are sometimes (or often) challenges. You might get disappointed by the other but by accepting the people that we love for who they are and not expecting them to change for you, you have a good start towards having healthy relationships in your life.

Take the time to really talk to the people in your life and actually listen to what they are saying – you know, communication - a key factor in maintaining healthy relationships with anyone.

Some years ago my disappointments in relationships...

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Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars

Many  of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven't read it. Well, I didn't write it. But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don't want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do. They also want to be admired – to be regarded by their partner with "wonder, delight and pleased approval". Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again – even when it's hard. This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I...

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My Story - Life Begins - Part 1

My name is Maia Berens and I will share with you the lessons and tools that changed my  life.  I  can  teach you  a  way  to  transform  your relationship  with yourself  in  so profound a manner that when you are through working with me, you will be able to say you  have  the  keys  to  revealing  your  authentic  self  or,  as  I  like  to  call  it,  your  Real  Self  or  the Real You.  

When I was a little girl  and my mother was  yelling, calling me names  and belittling me, there was a tiny bit of inner understanding that told me I was not actually bad. Even  when  my  ex-husband  told  me  I  was too  light  for  heavy  work  and  too  heavy  for ...

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My Story - Part 2: As My Journey Began

I was sitting on the bed of my soon to be married childhood friend, . Enveloped by my frozen spirit, I begged her for advice. I had been married for seven months and two days. I went steady with my husband for four years starting my second month in college. Living with him was much worse than dating him because I could not run away while he worked on controlling my every thought and deed.

I had escaped from our marriage two weeks before and was staying at my parents' house - the very place I could not wait to leave. I had gone to college to "meet a husband" believing that my parents and society had expected that of me. He was my second date in college. I stopped dating anyone else and stuck with him because I was afraid no one else would want me. Initially his looks and his interest in me drew me in. I also liked the spiritual and optimistic talks we had in the first few months of our relationship.

After that, I...

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My Story Part 3: My Journey Continues

It was 1980. I was thirty-seven. My four children ranged in age from six to fourteen. For the preceding six months, I had been a stay-at-home mom unable to work because I felt scared,fragile, confused, stuck and emotionally spent all of the time. I hardly slept. I cried at the drop of a hat. I had headaches and faintingly strong neck spasms. An inner voice screamed that I was too fat, deeply flawed and useless. For years while trying to sleep, I had fantasized about running away; however, because I thought I was unable to take care of myself, much less four children, I stayed and suffered. I had been married for fifteen years.

In my aerospace engineer husbands presence intense fear surfaced. Our roles of victim - me and verbal and emotional abuser - him - expanded. Our cycle of verbal free-for-alls increased. One Sunday in May at Santa Monica Beach, he and I stood fighting in the sun for so long that...

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